My Soul
by DarkpeanutS
Summary: Sesshomaru reflects on his past relationship with Inuyasha. There is character death, some gore, and plenty of angst. Inuyasha/Sesshomaru!


_A/N: Not beta'd but please enjoy and feel free to review no matter if it is positive or negative!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story._

"This was not what this Sesshomaru intended." He reflected, taking a whiff of the faded red fabric he clutched in his clawed hand.

No tears came. It wasn't that he was too proud or strong to cry, no, his tears had simply dried up long ago. It had been almost five hundred years since that fateful day. He had barely thought of much else since then. Most other demons thought him crazy. He thought he was crazy. His tortured mind no longer knew what moon it was, what season. He could barely tell day from night anymore. If someone would have told him five hundred years ago that without his brash and arrogant half-brother he would have been lost, he would have dismissed them with barely a sound, perhaps even killed them. Alas, on that horrible day all those years ago… he lost his soul.

* * *

"You will not get away this time, Inuyasha. I grow tired of playing with you." Came the cool and collected voice of Sesshomaru as he gracefully stalked his prey.

"Shove it, Sesshomaru. I'm not playing and if you come near me I'll gut you." Inuyasha growled back.

He was trying, unsuccessfully, to outrun the older inu. He knew he could only run for so long but he was hoping if he could just get to the small stream he could hear burbling in the distance that he might be able to mask his scent enough to hide for a while. Unfortunately, his face meeting the dirt rather abruptly meant that his hopes were dashed. Growling, he rolled onto his back to see a thin yellow whip wrapped around his ankle. Sesshomaru's whip.

"I was speaking the truth, then." Said Sesshomaru, nose wrinkling at the smell of Inuyasha's slightly burnt flesh.

"You cheated." Inuyasha grumbled back.

As Inuyasha stood and dusted off his ever-present Fire Rat Robes Sesshomaru couldn't help but run his eyes up and down the younger inu's form. While being one for observation in the past, his brother's constant presence in his life since the defeat of Naraku had rubbed some impatience off on him. Sesshomaru was on Inuyasha before the poor half-demon could completely comprehend what was happening. A muffled groan escaped Inuyasha as Sesshomaru licked the previously hidden mating mark on his shoulder. As Inuyasha went limp in his arms, Sesshomaru couldn't help but to smirk.

"Next time, you will not get this frustrated. Your emotions have always gotten the best of you, love." Sesshomaru practically purred into Inuyasha's ear.

* * *

Sesshomaru smiled wistfully as the beginnings of that day washed over his mind's eye. He didn't even remember what their fight had been about. He just knew that in that moment they made their last happy memories together. Soon after, Sesshomaru had been summoned back to the palace to welcome some visitors.

The last sweet minutes of his mate's life flashing before his eyes almost made his own bleed red, much like they did on that fateful day. It was all a rouse: the visitors claiming to have business with the Western Lord, the supposed business. It was all a plot to get to him. His Inuyasha. It was how they did it though that tore at his soul. They used him. They had found some kind of poison. He still didn't know how they had slipped it to him, where they got it, why they even wanted to destroy their happiness… And he didn't care, they were dead now.

It was something that pulled at his beast in a way he could barely describe. It was searing and piercing, and utterly debilitating. As soon as he realized his consciousness was leaving him he knew something terrible would happen that night. The last of his clear mind he had he used to scream for Inuyasha. He still didn't know if he had even uttered a sound, or if it was just in his head.

* * *

Inuyasha was sitting on the lowest branch of a tree in one of the palace gardens. Rin was making a wreath of flowers below him. It was days like this that almost made him miss Naraku due to the lack of action. Almost. Cracking open an eye he glanced at the setting sun.

"C'mon kid, It's gonna be dark soon." He told the girl.

She nodded and picked up her remaining flowers using the front of her dress like a pouch. Inuyasha jumped down and scooped her up in his arms. Giggling and squealing, on Rin's part, they made their way up the steps and into the palace.

Just as they reached the threshold, Inuyasha set the girl on her feet. He still had his hands under her armpits when he felt it. Fear. He had never felt anything but love and arousal through the mating bond, the only emotions Sesshomaru expressed. This emotion coming from his stoic love almost made him double over with nausea. And then, he _felt_ his name. It was desperate and he immediately became scared.

Almost at the same time he felt an explosion of power and heard the Lord's wing of the palace start to crumble. Sesshomaru had transformed. Inuyasha barely managed to command Rin to get back outside and hide before he was off toward the sounds of destruction.

* * *

Sesshomaru supposed it had only taken a moment for Inuyasha to realize that his beast was completely in control. Whatever the poison had been, it had locked Sesshomaru's rational self away and freed his beast. Not only that, it had enraged it. Confused it. The call and concern of his mate would usually be enough to give Sesshomaru control back. It had not been.

Sesshomaru took a deep, shaky breath as the final moments of his Inuyasha's life came to him.

* * *

"Inu… yasha?" Whispered Sesshomaru.

Everything was still foggy, but it was clearing. He knew he was no longer in his beast form. His whole body hurt like he had been in an intense battle. His head was pounding. He could feel a warm wetness covering his hands and forearms.

Sesshomaru brought a clawed hand up to his face and examined the liquid that proceeded to run down his arm. It was bright red in color. He knew he should be concerned, but at the moment he was more concerned with finding his mate. It was natural for demons in this state to want to be comforted and reassured after all.

Vision clearing, he tried to stand and collect his bearings. That was when ragged breathing from below him assaulted his ears. Looking down, he felt his own blood practically freeze in his veins. Inuyasha, his Inuyasha, was lying on his back in front of his knees. The area around him was covered in the same bright red liquid covering Sesshomaru's appendages. _Blood_, he thought numbly. Inuyasha's entrails were haphazardly hanging out of his abdomen. Sesshomaru watched as blood spurted out of the abdominal portion of Inuyasha's aorta with each of his weak heartbeats. Horror engulfed him as the younger inu's golden orbs met his with a look of _relief_ in them.

"It's… you. I'm glad. Every…. one else… safe…" Inuyasha started to choke up more blood to join the river that was already running down his chin.

"Shhhh." Sesshomaru told him, fog completely gone now.

Sesshomaru did not know what to do. In all his life he had never been in a situation that he could not handle. He always had options. Looking down at his only love he could see the sickly yellow liquid mixing with the red. He had dosed Inuyasha with enough poison to take down an entire pack of boar demons. He would not be able to heal. Tenseiga was no longer his to wield… it would reject him.

He chose to do the only thing he could. Ignoring the pained gasp from Inuyasha, Sesshomaru took him into his arms. He tenderly stroked his back, warm liquid and slippery entrails plastering the front of his regal robes.

"This Sesshomaru… I… Am so sorry, my mate." Sesshomaru whispered into Inuyasha's blood-stained hair.

With tears slipping down his anguished face, Sesshomaru held his half-brother until he could no longer hear his heart beating.

* * *

In reality, Sesshomaru had held him a lot longer than that. For days the Lord of the Western Lands sobbed and howled over the body of Inuyasha. Animals and demons alike were driven miles away from the area in terror. It had taken the careful and yet purposeful steps of Rin to break the cycle. For one so young, she bravely took the grieving inu under her wing. Led him to make preparations and bury the corpse. All the while Sesshomaru barely acknowledged her existence, or any existence for that matter.

Sesshomaru now regretted his cold treatment of her, but she was long dead by now too. Once he could no longer feel the warmth and love of Inuyasha through their bond it was like he lost all his will to live. Which, he supposed, he did. The day he killed his mate, Inuyasha carried Sesshomaru's soul with him to the afterlife.

Even after so many years the pain was fresh. Sesshomaru knew that he would never get over the loss of his mate. His grief led him to a self-imposed exile. Wandering the island alone, torturing himself constantly. Mentally and physically, he put himself through hell. Ironically the very beast that had been the instrument of Inuyasha's demise was also his own personal tool of destruction. His beast would repeatedly remind him of his guilt, its own insanity over the loss and Sesshomaru's weakened mental shields allowing it to do so. His beast loved to replay the events over and over for Sesshomaru's tortured mind.

The physical abuse was much worse. More than once Sesshomaru tried to tear out his own entrails and burn the wounds with his poison, a fitting end he reasoned. Terrible and painful just like Inuyasha had suffered. However, his beast would not allow him the luxury. Rip out his guts and bleed all over the forest yes, but his beast would deny him use of his demonic power. Without the poison to stop his healing, Sesshomaru would simply recover after hours of agony. After many attempts, and several different styles of death, Sesshomaru realized that his beast would not allow him to perish. Even when confronted with other demons, his beast would not allow the demons to land a killing blow.

Yes, if Sesshomaru had been told that he would be lost without Inuyasha he would not have believed it. He would have dismissed them in his cold manner, a cold he did not truly understand until that day five hundred years ago.

Sniffing the piece of Inuyasha's robes he had managed to tear off his body before the burial, he imagined the scent that used to linger there. Of course it no longer existed, just like the body that it used to belong to. Closing his eyes, Sesshomaru surrendered once again and let his beast take him to the darkest circles of hell.


End file.
